Dear Josh

Hey bud, it's been a while since we talked. July of 2002 I believe.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss you. I am angry with you. It's taken me four years to cry for you.
I don't understand what you were thinking. You were a mechanic, for Christ's sake! You couldn't have been in such a hurry that a few more seconds would have made that much difference at work. It would have made such a huge difference for us.
I felt so ashamed for so long because it took me so long to realize Christina wasn't calling to wish me happy birthday. I was laughing because I was happy to hear from her, and I thought she was laughing, too. When she just made sure it was me and gave me to your mom, I started to realize something wasn't right.
When Shirley told me what happened, I didn't know what to say. I told her I would be there for the funeral, but I didn't cry.
I went outside and worked. I called you names and was mad at you, and knew I shouldn't be. I knew I should be doing something, but I didn't know what. I cursed at you, and I am sorry.
I know we had issues when we were growing up, and I am not sure all of them were resolved in the end. You were more of a brother than nephew, and I guess those things brothers have to go through. I just wish we could have ended on a better note.
I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry for missing your funeral. I drove as hard as I could, but I stopped to sleep for a couple hours. If I hadn't done that, I would have been there. I have never been to your grave. I don't know if I can go. I don't know if I am strong enough. I couldn't even look at the tree we planted for you at Danny's the last time I was there.
I miss you, man.
Love,
Rich