Journal

I have always wanted to fly. One of my earliest memories is me standing in the side yard of our house in Filer, Id. I am looking up watching a jet fly overhead, convinced that it was an F-111. It may well have been - I had been collecting anything with planes on them for years & one of my favorites was a deck of cards with a different silouhette and designation of US fighting aircraft.
I don't really remember when my obsession with aircraft began, though. Its always just been there and it wasn't just any aircraft, it was military. I am the only kid I knew that had made up their mind about what he was going to be when he grew up. I knew I was going to be career military. I shared this dream with everyone. I am sure most adults laughted & shook their heads, thinking it just one of those temporary fancies most kids get. It wasn't.
I spent a lot of time in the Air Force recruiters' office growing up. Why the Air Force? Because they had the planes. At that age the services were completely compartmentalized. Air Force had planes, Navy had boats, Army had tanks, Marines had guns & cool uniforms. The Coast Guard was never really thought of.
Both of my parents were veterans - my dad was in the Army-Air Corp, my mom was in both the Army & Navy. My mom never talked about her experiences, but my dad shared a lot of his. I grew up with stories of his tour in France - fascinating stuff, especially to a kid already enamoured with the military.

Dear Josh

Hey bud, it's been a while since we talked. July of 2002 I believe.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss you. I am angry with you. It's taken me four years to cry for you.
I don't understand what you were thinking. You were a mechanic, for Christ's sake! You couldn't have been in such a hurry that a few more seconds would have made that much difference at work. It would have made such a huge difference for us.
I felt so ashamed for so long because it took me so long to realize Christina wasn't calling to wish me happy birthday. I was laughing because I was happy to hear from her, and I thought she was laughing, too. When she just made sure it was me and gave me to your mom, I started to realize something wasn't right.
When Shirley told me what happened, I didn't know what to say. I told her I would be there for the funeral, but I didn't cry.
I went outside and worked. I called you names and was mad at you, and knew I shouldn't be. I knew I should be doing something, but I didn't know what. I cursed at you, and I am sorry.
I know we had issues when we were growing up, and I am not sure all of them were resolved in the end. You were more of a brother than nephew, and I guess those things brothers have to go through. I just wish we could have ended on a better note.
I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry for missing your funeral. I drove as hard as I could, but I stopped to sleep for a couple hours. If I hadn't done that, I would have been there. I have never been to your grave. I don't know if I can go. I don't know if I am strong enough. I couldn't even look at the tree we planted for you at Danny's the last time I was there.
I miss you, man.
Love,
Rich